More on the Ninth Step of Twelve
In our earlier post we looked at some of the ways we can approach the ninth of the Twelve Steps –“[We] made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” But it’s such a huge step, really, we thought we’d offer more insight from those who have been there.
The last portion of the ninth step’s phrasing reminds us that making amends isn’t just about our own healing, and that we have to take into account that we may cause more harm than good to others, even with the best intentions.
The Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous tells us, “Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous.”
And The Twelve Step Journal, by Claudette Wassil-Grimm explains, “…we need to have a good idea going into the encounter about what we want to say and accomplish. Most importantly we want to make sure we state our apology without assigning any blame to the ones we injured. We need to be open to any response we get from people we’ve injured, and be ready to accept their response without becoming angry. We are not there to manipulate them into forgiving us. In order to have this come off smoothly, we should make every effort to purge our bad feelings toward the person or incident before we meet to speak. This will help us resist the temptation to point out to them what we felt they did to provoke us. We are only there to talk about our own behavior. It is also a good idea not to take the other person by surprise. They have a right to know that you intend to make amends. They have a right to refuse to let you do this at this time….You can leave an open invitation to talk whenever and wherever they might feel comfortable at some time in the future. “
The Twelve Step Program plays a large part in the recovery process at Transitions Recovery.
